Deserve Better Than You 🤔✌🏿

I wanted to believe! I wanted to believe that they were willing to change... I wanted them to know that their life doesn't always have to be the same. I wanted them to know I see the good in them that people may fail to see. BUT...

When there's word that someone has caught my attention, the whole world stops and wonder who is the lucky person. Because most people know I am not worried about any dudes. As much as I complain about not having one to do all the cute, romantic and adventurous things with I still do not need those type of "distractions". However, when someone has my attention I may tend to act different. I start to limit the time I have to spend with other people. Which only brings on more questioning because most people already tend to know what I'm up to. I am not all that unpredictable. It's really hard to hide the fact that there's someone of interest.

My memory is like a giant history book, remembering every date and just about every detail, which really sucks! I wish I didn't remember everything that has happened within my "not-so-lucky" love life.

I remember the very first time when this person reached out to me. I was pissed because of how they spoke on the phone. It was disrespectful and quite irritating. They reached out to me during the time that someone else already had my attention. Life with that person of course didn't work out. It's not fully my fault but what happen to me years ago is basically the same thing that happen to me this time around... although the series of events are slightly different.

I only "assume" things when it appears obvious. If you never learn anything else always come with evidence and receipts. In order to get what you want to know out of someone, keep asking at some point they will eventually budge and tell the truth or you can just simply read them and realize there are some things they're not trying to share based off their demeanor.

All I ever did was tell the truth and I always had hope that I could get the same in return... but it never works out that way. I know in the beginning I was very unsure about my feelings however, I had every right to be. The person that said they wanted to "wife me up" didn't seem like the person who was even into commitment or marriage based off the way they spoke to and about females on social media.

I've always wanted to keep the communication strong regardless of what happens. I wanted to talk about certain things so no "bad blood" would be between us. There are some things I feel as if I let get out of hand. People could see how sad I was yet happy because I wanted to talk to him but I was pissed at the same time.

There were times I didn't respond back and their were other times were people did it for me. I am genuinely a nice and sweet person but some times that caring and sweet person just goes out the window. I eventually realized that those who really cared about me were doing something I couldn't do bring myself to do. Looking out for me when I failed to realize that I am "way to good for him," I knew it myself but I didn't want to believe it.

Coming to an understanding hardly ever happened instead I was told I "need to get up out my feelings." I excused lie after lie, remembering when I found out the possibility of their being a kid they never told me about. Well actually they did tell me, it was just never perceived as being their kid but their nephew instead. It was tough for me to try and get over the fact that someone lied to me about something so serious. They said they never told me because I was already being "judgmental" from jump. It's sad that they felt that way although I feel as if that shouldn't have been a reason for them to not tell me the truth.

I tried my hardest not to be perceived as being judgmental. Yes, I had my fears and opinions but I never wanted them to feel as if I was looking down on them.

Okay, there were mix feelings in the beginning and in spite of the lies. I still slowly but surely opened up to them.

Until I once again started to peep a lot of bullshit dude was doing. After while I just chose not to say too much else about anything. I got to the point where I was tired of loosing myself instead I just sat back and watched them lose me. It's not like they ever wanted to talk to me about things and when they chose to contact me they wanted to act as if everything was a joke and "swisher sweet."

Did it hurt? Yes.

Was there anything I could do about it? No, not really.

I was tired of bringing up things which only led to another lie, broken promises and them not taking me and my feelings seriously. According to them I was "doing too much," but they're the reason why I felt the way I did.

One thing I know for sure is that my loyalty should never be a question, instead one needs to ask themselves ----Now, why is it that I'm being distant and "petty"? This is when one should worry. I am able to be distant and perceive to be petty without my loyalty ever changing. No matter how bad someone has done me I'm always loyal behind their back even when were not on good terms. I dislike when they would do and or say some crazy shit and then want to come back and try to "baby" me.

People were telling me in the beginning not to give dude any time of day but it was mainly based off their lifestyle and their outlook on what a woman and relationship is. Although people could tell how frustrated I was, I stuck up for him in ways he'll never know. Knowing my stubborn, inquisitive yet loving self, I just couldn't leave him alone...I was waiting and hoping for him to show me some thing different, that everyone's 'stereotype/stigma' about him is wrong!

Eventually I unknowingly let my feelings affect how much I ate and my interaction amongst other people. I was sometimes very short-tempered because of all the stuff dude was doing. Whatever 'love' and care I had was slowly fading away, because I was no longer being respected and cared for.

Many people tried sending other dudes my way, like "the only way to get over someone is by getting up under someone else," is what they would say... which I feel in the end is a terrible idea. No lie! There was a few people who seemed worthy of my time more than the person who I was "chasing after." Someone could just walk into the store and people be like "uh-oh Melody, there you go" and I'm just like no thank you!