- Aug 20, 2017
- 9 min read
I wanted to believe! I wanted to believe that they were willing to change... I wanted them to know that their life doesn't always have to be the same. I wanted them to know I see the good in them that people may fail to see. BUT...
When there's word that someone has caught my attention, the whole world stops and wonder who is the lucky person. Because most people know I am not worried about any dudes. As much as I complain about not having one to do all the cute, romantic and adventurous things with I still do not need those type of "distractions". However, when someone has my attention I may tend to act different. I start to limit the time I have to spend with other people. Which only brings on more questioning because most people already tend to know what I'm up to. I am not all that unpredictable. It's really hard to hide the fact that there's someone of interest.
My memory is like a giant history book, remembering every date and just about every detail, which really sucks! I wish I didn't remember everything that has happened within my "not-so-lucky" love life.
I remember the very first time when this person reached out to me. I was pissed because of how they spoke on the phone. It was disrespectful and quite irritating. They reached out to me during the time that someone else already had my attention. Life with that person of course didn't work out. It's not fully my fault but what happen to me years ago is basically the same thing that happen to me this time around... although the series of events are slightly different.
I only "assume" things when it appears obvious. If you never learn anything else always come with evidence and receipts. In order to get what you want to know out of someone, keep asking at some point they will eventually budge and tell the truth or you can just simply read them and realize there are some things they're not trying to share based off their demeanor.
All I ever did was tell the truth and I always had hope that I could get the same in return... but it never works out that way. I know in the beginning I was very unsure about my feelings however, I had every right to be. The person that said they wanted to "wife me up" didn't seem like the person who was even into commitment or marriage based off the way they spoke to and about females on social media.
I've always wanted to keep the communication strong regardless of what happens. I wanted to talk about certain things so no "bad blood" would be between us. There are some things I feel as if I let get out of hand. People could see how sad I was yet happy because I wanted to talk to him but I was pissed at the same time.
There were times I didn't respond back and their were other times were people did it for me. I am genuinely a nice and sweet person but some times that caring and sweet person just goes out the window. I eventually realized that those who really cared about me were doing something I couldn't do bring myself to do. Looking out for me when I failed to realize that I am "way to good for him," I knew it myself but I didn't want to believe it.
Coming to an understanding hardly ever happened instead I was told I "need to get up out my feelings." I excused lie after lie, remembering when I found out the possibility of their being a kid they never told me about. Well actually they did tell me, it was just never perceived as being their kid but their nephew instead. It was tough for me to try and get over the fact that someone lied to me about something so serious. They said they never told me because I was already being "judgmental" from jump. It's sad that they felt that way although I feel as if that shouldn't have been a reason for them to not tell me the truth.
I tried my hardest not to be perceived as being judgmental. Yes, I had my fears and opinions but I never wanted them to feel as if I was looking down on them.
Okay, there were mix feelings in the beginning and in spite of the lies. I still slowly but surely opened up to them.
Until I once again started to peep a lot of bullshit dude was doing. After while I just chose not to say too much else about anything. I got to the point where I was tired of loosing myself instead I just sat back and watched them lose me. It's not like they ever wanted to talk to me about things and when they chose to contact me they wanted to act as if everything was a joke and "swisher sweet."
Did it hurt? Yes.
Was there anything I could do about it? No, not really.
I was tired of bringing up things which only led to another lie, broken promises and them not taking me and my feelings seriously. According to them I was "doing too much," but they're the reason why I felt the way I did.
One thing I know for sure is that my loyalty should never be a question, instead one needs to ask themselves ----Now, why is it that I'm being distant and "petty"? This is when one should worry. I am able to be distant and perceive to be petty without my loyalty ever changing. No matter how bad someone has done me I'm always loyal behind their back even when were not on good terms. I dislike when they would do and or say some crazy shit and then want to come back and try to "baby" me.
People were telling me in the beginning not to give dude any time of day but it was mainly based off their lifestyle and their outlook on what a woman and relationship is. Although people could tell how frustrated I was, I stuck up for him in ways he'll never know. Knowing my stubborn, inquisitive yet loving self, I just couldn't leave him alone...I was waiting and hoping for him to show me some thing different, that everyone's 'stereotype/stigma' about him is wrong!
Eventually I unknowingly let my feelings affect how much I ate and my interaction amongst other people. I was sometimes very short-tempered because of all the stuff dude was doing. Whatever 'love' and care I had was slowly fading away, because I was no longer being respected and cared for.
Many people tried sending other dudes my way, like "the only way to get over someone is by getting up under someone else," is what they would say... which I feel in the end is a terrible idea. No lie! There was a few people who seemed worthy of my time more than the person who I was "chasing after." Someone could just walk into the store and people be like "uh-oh Melody, there you go" and I'm just like no thank you!
For the record regardless of how many dudes crossed my path I never messed with them the way I did with this person. People have approached me from time to time wanting my number and out of 'kindness' I went on ahead and gave it to them just so they could leave me alone because the whole saying "I have a boyfriend" doesn't work. However, based off the look of things I never was in a relationship, I didn't have anyone to call my own. They were for everyone else...
I always tried to get them to understand they had no reason to worry about my guy best friend or any other dude for that matter. It seemed like the simplest thing such as taking a pic with male singers who are like my sisters' age, or even having a video of my coworker on snapchat goofing around supposedly would upset them. Eventually I stopped justifying it because they were entertaining females in a disrespectful manner that I never have done with the dudes I surround myself around.
A woman shouldn't have to go through hell and back to prove her worth to a 'nigga.' You can't raise a man, it's too late! I tried. You can't change them unless they truly want to change, meaning they would do whatever it takes just to be with you. I learned that it takes more than just a miracle. Dudes always want to get mad at the female and talk about how they're doing too much, so insecure or hard to love when really the guys don't make it any easier . I knew about some things that he failed to tell me.
They wanted somebody to be their yes woman and do everything for them no matter what. I wasn't that type of woman!
Yeah I gave some money. Yeah I looked out for them when they didn't have much.
Although, after while they began to act like I never did anything for them and that I owe them every penny I've been working hard for. They were a bit selfish and unappreciative knowing my situation and everything I was working towards. I don't feel as if I was trying to change them. After all, you can't change a man who says they want to but hardly puts in the work to be a better person. Not really for you but for themselves. I'm not the one to start a riot and cause a scene but I peeps everything. I'm fairly observant and the field in which I'm in, it requires research and paying attention to details. So, on top of being a woman that investigates better than the FBI, I have no choice but to be "nosey". It amazes me how much one chooses to lie and with-hold information from me knowing eventually I am bound to find out. Although I could just feel it, and sadly my intuition has never failed me, I always had that small thought in the back of my mind and felt as if I was being played. I did whatever I could to assure that wasn't the case even if it meant I had to be a little "stalker-ish" about a few things.
I began to realize things and actually "listen" to what those who truly care for me had to say. I started to believe all the things I was also seeing, that someone honestly may have played me. Although it's clear they have plans on being with someone else. My pettiness was definitely in motion even though I was hurting inside because I couldn't believe that something like this was happening to me again! Only thing I've ever lied about was the fact of me taking cuddle buddy applications, having a boyfriend and shooting my shot... I did all of that to see if they truly cared and if the feelings were mutual. However, I already knew what was up I've been paying attention to their actions for a while, long before I was "accidentally" sent a snapchat video of them with someone else.
One thing I dislike more than not being worthy of the truth is being ignored. So, I began to ignore them or purposefully wait hours well more so like days to respond back. I wasn't priority to them, the feelings weren't mutual. Like what do you want? if there's no apology that's ready to be given...how may I assist you?! I only act the way I do because someone else has shown to me their true self.
It's crazy because they tried to treat me like other females that they're use to being with and around. Calling me outside my name, accusing me of doing stuff, bashing me for my 'downfalls' and all. I tried to let it go a few times because I know they weren't raised very well and just didn't know how to communicate well. Although after while I could tell when that stuff was purposefully said with no remorse at all so eventually I fired back and said some hurtful things of my own.
Everyone knows that I'm one of a kind and I could never be compared to anyone. I could never figure out how one claims their goal is to "overcome negative energy" but all they ever did was bring on negativity and constantly get upset when you choose to look at the positive side of things.
I feel like I don't even know them. I believe I fell in love with their potential. The thought of having a dude who really wanted just me always crossed my mind when I was with them. In the end he was just like any other nigga... for everybody!
But now I know for sure...I truly deserve better.
There's no point in holding on to them and they already let me go. Just remember I cared when no one else did including yourself.
